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Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Chirkuts on Orkut!

Yesterday, i was at my friend's place and having nothing better to do, we logged onto orkut. Now Saloni is a very pretty girl and reading her scraps always provides a lot of hilarity. {If you are wondering how come i dont belong to her 'fan's' category, its coz once upon a time when we were fourteen years old,after being heavily scolded by her dad, Saloni called me up and between sobs, blurted, "Neer i wish i had a brother". My upbringing till that moment, had insisted that in such moments you are supposed to offer yourself to the girl as her brother, and i did. In a few hours soon realized the gravity of my mistake, but all had been lost. Since that day, we have been 'bhai-behen'. But, i have learnt from my mistakes, and now if some girl says the same lines, my reaction involves looking upwards staring at the ceiling whistling nonchalantly, as if i never heard what she said. Back to the story.

Orkut besides being a social networking site, also gives some dudes an oppurtunity to showcase their talents, put on display their 'sense of humour', compete with each other on who'd come up with the cheesiest lines. This is what a certain Mr Vignesh had to tell my friend,

"i really do not know you . But I want to grow up my friendship cycle . Thats why I had scrapped to you .. If you not interested please ignore and request you not to angry on me …"


Umm 'grow up my friendship cycle'? Is that like some food cycle? Personally, i think he first needs to grow up and no man, we cant be angry on anyone who comes up with such an earnest request ;)

SAMPLE NUMBER 2: This guy was named 'Cool guy' by his parents, or that's what he calls himself on this website. Check out the 'smartness'

"I thot d pizza i had last eve was the hottest thing in world.. your pic have proved me wrong though"

Saloni had to hit me with a plate to stop me from replying, "Whooo i thought the bhindi alu i had last eve was the crappiest thing in the world…your pics have proved me wrong though".

It was at this stage that we decided to come up with the "Most desperate orkutter award". The 2 member selection committe's criterion included "the dumbest about-me section" and other related description categories. So folks, help me decide the winner. These are the nominees …
1) Name :Mr Krishna Shetty.

About me: I am simple, friendly boy. Love to make decent friendship…love to have lots of friends with good mind.

Nero's doubt:Err do you want friends with good minds or do you make friends with a 'good mind' buddy? Pray, temme what a 'good mind' is?

Lol, and if you think im being too harsh on the 'simple' boy, well a bit of super investigation showed that he has joined just two communities -> a) Ganapati bappa Moriya and (b) Namita Lovers
Yup man, u just won the 'simplest person' award. I have a slight suspicion that Ganapati bappa was squirming in that community pic sitting next to the Namita Lovers community.

2) Name: 'Sid-the koolest one'

About me: I love to chat with girls at night. I..

We ran out of his page as fast as we could.

Nero's verdict: Chheeee chheeee chhheee

3) Name: Subrat Sen

About me: cool guy,very emotional,angry with liar, never make any girfriend,girls always wants to make friendship with me

Nero's comment: Yeah man, you are so cooool! Girls would just tear off their hair to catch a glimpse of you. In fact even men wanna be friends with you. The entire human race is craving to make love to you.Please dont ever leave us,we'll die. Sniff!


At this point, Saloni asked the most repeated girlie question "Neer, why are all you guys so lame?". And when i put out my tongue, in a most sophisticated fashion, she snorted "Yeah, and when u dont have an answer thats what you do. Get lost". Well that upset me. Not just the fact that she asked me to get lost which was an infintely difficult task considering that her house is really not that complex, but also coz my 'alpha male chauvinistic ego' had been pricked. "What you blaming guys for, girls are equally despo, just that they cant afford to show it in this hypocritical society". "Oh yeah?" Well we fought for an hour about that, and after i was told that i was a numbskull and she was informed that her brain was as active as a hibernating polar bear's, i went back home in a huff. Half an hour later, as i finished reading Daddy-Long-Legs,i went to my computer,logged onto orkut,went to her scrapbook and typed,

"Hi, im cool boy with simple mind.i had dosa today morning but you are hotter than the sambar that accompanied my meal. Your eyes remind me of the seeds i spat out when i had chutney. Pliss be my decent friend. Jai Ganapati. Yo!"

p.s For all those people, who missed out on the book 'Daddy-long-legs' before they turned 18, read it now. Its beautiful.

110 comments:

Saloni said...

MUAH!!!!!!!!!!

You rock AS USUAL (i mean like cud you ever stop rocking rte? why do people make such useless statement? lol>

And oye! i never made the statement of 'i wish i had a bhai coz unfortunately for you i DO have a bhai and a rocking one at that so come up with a better excuse for not being on my fan list.

My suggestion wud be the following :
a. Coz i call you bimbo; loudly
b. Coz i am taller than you and comon as much as you use that example you are NOT tom cruise
c. Coz i used to be shoulder you cried on after falling in love with a few million girls so hitting on me while ur are wiping ur nose on my sleeve is just not hot....lol
Ummm...wait wait...more coming...wait...why r u taking ur shoe off?....dnt hit! dnt hit! :D

Charu Chopra said...

satire at its best :)

its a nice read and there is no dearth of such orkut profiles out there.. they will keep providing u with material to keep versioning this post :P

neeraj said...

@Saloni,

Maaan, im so happy that you are the first one to comment on this post. Very happy kiddo! As for,

\\"Coz i am taller than you and comon as much as you use that example you are NOT tom cruise"

{in an urgent whisper} "Abe dheere bol! This blog is followed by other women as well! Abe tere chakkar me koi bhi nahi pategi, gadhi! ;) lol! Fyi, No i dont say Im Tom Cruise, though he does say that he wishes he was Neeraj Narayanan.

\\"Coz i call you bimbo"

Go on! Why dont you just blurt out all my secrets and make me the official "woman repeller" on blogspot!

{hollering} Cant a man have any privacy!!!!

And I wonder why you'd ever call me that? I am sorry maam, but I only discuss topics like Archimedes' Law of Buoyancy, Somebody's theory of relativity and the Lost city of atlantis? Im avery mature, philosophical shareef boy!

\\"Coz i used to be shoulder you cried on after falling in love with a few million girls so hitting on me while ur are wiping ur nose on my sleeve is just not hot"

Yeah next time, ill wipe it on ur face, you ass!

Lol, miss ya kid! Thanks for the comment again!

neeraj said...

@Charu,

Totally dudette! There are a zillion such profiles out there. I was standing with this group in office today, and the conversation veered towards orkut...

Guy1: "Yaar Murli, how does one patao girls on orkut man?

Murli (self proclaimed love guru): "Arey dude, make your profile DIFFERENT! Make it sound COOL! Girls love that!

Despo guy2: "Kya baat kar raha hai? How?"
Murli: Arey put something like "Im a dirt biker in you 'about me', or Im a scuba professional. Ladkiyaan pagal ho jayengi for you"

{general "ooohs" in group}

Nero (to himself): Yeah man! Girls are just dying to make love to a dirt biker.... Saale ur just a dirty biker! Go have a bath, maybe you'll be able to get a little mud off that head and think clearly then. ;)

RoH said...

LOLzzzzz...
Absolutely Hilarious man!!!
Didnt quite know such morons existed in orkut... ;-)

neeraj said...

@Roh,

You actually din know????? Dont worry, i have a lot of friends who would "wanna have franship" with you, and i'll send them across to your profile ;)

rvnrahul said...

Read it long time dude.. U posting all ur old posts here one by one kya??

neeraj said...

@Rahul,

No man, gonna interperse it... as and when i write, ill keep posting new ones and mix them up.

Seetharaman Trichur Narayanan Iyer said...

Aha!! tis one is where I suppose self began commenting in ur posts in ch1 :-)
BTW...did ya check that nazeem hakeem chappie in orkut!!!
He is god I tell u :-D

Samik said...

Mast tha this one...i guess every guy will connect with this..coz orkut is one of their fav hunting grounds..

neeraj said...

@Trich,

Yeah man, i checked his profile. Im amazed. He is awe inspiring. I wonder how people could be so stupid :P

@Samik,

Dost, kuchh seekho! Your baatein indicate you do this "wanna have franship" activity quite regularly.

{One of Nero's spies comes up to him and whispers something in his ear}

Whaaaat! Samik, you went to some girl's profile today itself and left a cheesy friendship scrap!!!! Sigh, when will my gender comrades grow up? :(

KD said...

pliss be writing more stuffs. its makes me wilds with passions!

kavya said...

"The name's Narayanan. Neeraj Narayanan. The ‘about me’ section used to claim, till yesterday that i “told the barber to give me a Taare Zameen Par haircut and he cut it so short that they are now all Saare Zameen Par”. Personally, i think it is one of the wittiest ‘about me’ write-ups on this website, but one of my closest friends touched the non existent adam's apple on her neck and earnestly informed me, "By God Nero, that's real sad!" In many ways, the line depicts the story of my life."

sigh....why dont guys ever grow up?? why do they try to sound cool in their orkut profiles?
:) just kidding...really nice post..you have the knack of holding the reader's interest from start to finish.

neeraj said...

@KD,

"Pliss" do not talk to me like this.. my biological tendencies might wanna take a radical shift if u speaketh in such a manner. ;)
You are going "wild with the passions", makes me "wanna jumps the up and downs" ...

rofl! Thanks buddy! and may we always remain good normal heterosexuals! :P

neeraj said...

@Kavya,

"Sound" coool? Madamoseille, do you realize the offence that you are committing when you use that little phrase?!!! {eyes twinkling}

Neeraj Narayanan "sounds" cool because he is cool :P And temme little Kavya, do you really want me to answer why guys wont grow up? Like someone said during the Mica convocation,

"At the end of two years, all the girls grew upto be beautiful and more maturer women, and all the boys grew upto be maturer 'boys' " :P Lol!

Sriram said...

the general has found another battlefield :)

Preeti Shenoy said...

Had posted a similar post about Orkut many months back on my blog. too lazy to link it here..but if u want to read u can search for 'orkut and the x men' on my blog, you'll find it.
Thank you for stopping by.
Cheers
preeti

neeraj said...

@Sriram,

\\"The general has found another battlefield"

You bet he has, Brigadier Sriram and he intends to ride his troops to victor and conquer the vast realms of "blog-o-land" too! ;)

neeraj said...

@Preeti,

Oooooh and for the first time on this page, we have a professional writer, author, mum, artist all rolled into one!

Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for the author of "34 bubblegums and candies" , Mrs Preeti Shenoy!!!

{Pa pa ra pa ra}

{trumpets blowing, but definitely off key; crowd thronging to catch a glimpse of the lady, women cheering, men skipping multiple heart beats, babies crying, kids pushing, girls clapping}

Merci beaucoup, madame Shenoy for visiting this page, and sure I'll read your post. U take care, kiddo!:)

sunshine said...

Well I guess u had been royally cheated my friend! Saloni already has a brother (err he was ur batchmate at school I guess :P ) tch tch...'bhai-behen' LOL!

Preeti Shenoy said...

:D
heh heh..Your comment transported me right back to my book launches where the papparazzi did feel make me feel like a star for a few dizzy hours.(Thankfully only a few)
BTW yeh kiddo kaun hai? :P
Cheers
preeti

Praveen said...

Abey oye!! Tu volunteered to become a bhai!! Hey bhai!! I mean bhagwan!! This is the end of civilization as we know it!
Needless to say an awesome topic to write about! Man! The desperation of these guys makes me fume!! We all get to be the butt of jokes coz of these stupid romeos-Sighh.. sometimes I think we could do a nice business of actually teaching these guys some kewl pick-up lines!!! Ofcourse the post brought back nice memories of how we used to do the same on Shaadi sites... if you haven't tried.. I seriously suggest that you do it! ;) Bharatmatrimony and shaadi.com have such amazing profiles that'll have your sides in split! If am so antagonistic to the idea of marriage, you'll know why! :P waise.. tu kya comment maar raha hai.. un bechaaron ke baare mein!! tharki - ek number ki... tere kaarnaamon ko likhna shuru karenge toh.. ek epic likhna padega!!! :P

Preeti Shenoy said...

And oh--had to add..wasn't kidding abt the papparazi
See this .Never too lazy to link that ;-)
Cheers
preeti

neeraj said...

@Sunshine,

Arey, dont worry, its still not too late! Me and Saloni besides being astonishingly goodlooking, also happen to be absolutely flexible! The 'Bhai Behen' pact stands cancelled right from this moment onwards :P Lol!

neeraj said...

@Praveen,

\\"Sighh.. sometimes I think we could do a nice business of actually teaching these guys some kewl pick-up lines!!"

{Author running towards an abandoned garage and putting up a signboard 'How to learn pick up lines in ten days" - Dr Batra, Neeraj, Maneka Gandhi and Praveen Shivshankar Ltd.}

\\" tere kaarnaamon ko likhna shuru karenge toh.. ek epic likhna padega"

{in a mournful voice}

Kyaaa? {the 'aaa' is heart wrenching.} Et tu, Shivshankar? Then falleth Nero.

neeraj said...

@Preeti,

Ooooooh! Visited the link and saw all the articles. To be honest, I am not a regular blogger, and dunno most of the bloggers! Chanced upon your blog, and besides liking it, thought it was nice to read a professional writer's posts. But dudette, you sure have some awesome media coverage. Next time I visit Crosswords, Im gonna buy your "34 bubblegums". Enjoy the adulation, Preets!

p.s Ofcourse you are the kiddo! We are never to old to be children, are we? {eyes twinkling} :)

Nischal said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Nischal said...

man...having seen your zonked out pic of foursome heroism(thats what you think you guys were doing!!!), i do actually admit that you really try hard to act like a stud.

I am not sure if any of your blogger mates actually noticed you (first from right.....ohh...com..mon mate, thats just so easy to make out)trying to overcome "Altitudinal Barriers"(phewww...that was my best effort to act humanly while making fun of your height)to look lika a STUD.

And quite interestingly(and ironically :D), the next thing that I see changed on yr home page is your introduction...STUD written all over it...

You really are a stud neeraj...and that too ...a gem of it :).


[Oye Joota nahi...joota nahi...woh bahut tez lagta hai]

neeraj said...

@Nischal,

Lol, guess wat buddy? Im not that "first guy frm the right", rofl! aww le le hero, "kacha khiladi nikla tu, lagta hai ab aage ke patte mai hi baatunga, ab aage ka game mai hi karunga" [;)]

and thanks for the huge compliment, man! totally touched! totally... [:)] "aaja munna aaja, bade maamu ke gale lag ja!" rofl!

rishi jain said...

nice one yaar...seriously it connects wid everyone so much..

P.S- i thot so many times before posting this comment and kept it short so as not to provide u wid ne opportunity to pull my leg

neeraj said...

@Rishi,

Lol!I will do as you say buddy, and not pull your legs, hands or any other "pullable" organ of your body ;) Thanks for the comment, dude!

Nischal said...

abe...patte bhi mein hi bichhaunga aur game bhi mein hi karunga...as you have broken the cardinal rule of STUD-ism by lying that you arent the one first from the right...
I said so because apparently that the guy ..err the man...the chivalrous lord , first from the right is a real class act among 3 losers, a real stud...truly Neeraj :D

neeraj said...

Lol, cool! I'll tell Vivek about your opinion about him! :P Tu patte bichha, mai tere liye "safed kapda" bichhata hu :P

Ambili said...

Neer..........!!!!!!! Ah...! A trip down memory lane...! The number of scraps we women get saying "I want to make friendship with you" from creeps who are members of "Bangalore lovers" community...! As usual, I'd a blast reading your writings...!!! :-) You should definitely contemplate writing a book...! A satire on society, on MICA (maybe) and call it "Seven-Point-No one"...!

neeraj said...

@Ambili,

Ladies and gentlemen, we already had a professional author gracing this page, and now we have a professional singer!!!! I always knew i was one lucky bloke!

So please, put your hands together for the winner of Sunsilk "Gang of Girls" and now professional singer and diva, Ambiliiiiiii Menon!

{loud clapping, teenagers shouting, boys drooling, babies being tossed in the air, men wishing they werent married, women wishing that they werent married either, Neer dimpling, and lil Hector barking}

And Ambili, I read some of the scraps below mine on your page. They were totally hilarious! Thanks for the compliment, but not sure if Ill go the Chetan Bhagat way. Wat say, Tolstoy-ish? Dont you see great similarites in the maturity level between me & Leo;)

Nischal said...

"SAFED KAPDA" or "NO KAPDA(ref. your obscene pic in the other blog)you really are a ripper :)

Nischal said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Nischal said...

and yeah...yeh tera bimbo ka kya scene hai?

I will never forgive you for hiding your alternate profession from me. You have GHOP-ed the chhura in my back...

neeraj said...

@Nisch,

Ghope-d the chhura? Arey dont say that yaar! Maybe, "poked" the chhura in the back! Or ghoping a sharp javelin down the planet "uranus"! Or a feather in the armpits! But no, no ghoping chhura in backs!! No sir, that aint Neeraj Narayanan! :P
And which alternate profession you talkn about dude?

Nischal said...

just tell me one thing...which act of yours gained you that amazing title of BIMBO. Something which you have successfully hidden from ROW for so many years...

Gaurav Tārkar said...

You've got a casual but a very cool style of writing... was blog hopping actually, when i came across your blog, I don't have patience reading such long posts, but i could read yours from start to end and needless to say i enjoyed it a lot, laughed all the way.

:)

neeraj said...

@Gaurav,

Thanks a lot pal! It always a pleasure to have a new person at the gates of "My Experiments with Truth". :)

Jyothi Ravichandran said...

Rofl! Hilarity! I cant believe i didnt trip on your blog in all this time! I'm sure gonna be a regular:)

-Confounded!

neeraj said...

@Jyothi,

Drat! I cant believe I didnt trip on this comment all this while.. err two hours, but still! lol, totally flattered bachu, thanks :)

nintendo ds said...

Rather then post, I enjoyed the comments.........Will be visiting soon.......(just couldn't stop laughing....)....but to point one thing......there are too many girls too on orkut who send such request and write "Im the collest" kida stuff in about me.....Sometimes I doubt they r boys with fake profile!!!! Neways....keep it up neer!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now keep it up!

Sree vidya said...

Hey Neeraj,
This is vidya from cognizant.
I was exploring the blogs on ch1.
I landed on your blog, by chance and its so coooool.
I wanted to check if your are on the external blogosphere(I know you will) and voila! got here.
You are awesome. what do you think I will be doing on my weekend?
Gonna read all your posts on both the blogs :D
Keep rocking.

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bluethemis said...

LOL...Reminded me of the 'good' old Orkut days in retro mode...Came across your blog after a long time.Great work as usual! :)

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