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Thursday, May 21, 2009

Nero takes on bollywood!

The Mudra Institute of Communications, Ahmedabad is famous for two things. Roxy, the royal german shepherd and Mr A F Mathew (Author pauses, for everyone to say, “Nero, we are sure you are as famous as they are”). Mathew is a professor of ‘World Culture and Communications’ and is one of the funniest, most sarcastic, and most knowledgable professors India has perhaps known. Of course he’s a mallu.

At the end of his course last term , he asked us to submit an assigment on his subject ‘Media stereotypes’. We were allowed to choose, for ourselves, the stereotype topic and below, is my assignment, word by word.

The ‘Sensitive’ portrayal of love and rape scenes in bollywood:
Disclaimer: The following presentation is a sarcastic dig at the Indian media (Bollywood, to be more specific) for its stereotypical treatment of portraying love, lust and basically just about everything. The images attached might just want to make the audience give up on watching hindi commercial cinema forever.

Causes that make the innocent, puppy love between hero and heroine change into them wanting to mate at that very instant:

1) The hero and heroine are laughing and playfully chasing one another all over a room, and then ‘accidentally’ fall on the bed. Their faces touch as they get up and they realize a never before love/lust for each other. Hero kisses heroine’s neck, heroine goes mad with frenzy.

2) There’s a wild, wild, wild thunderstorm and ‘frightening’ lightning. Heroine is scared out of her wits and runs towards the hero and hugs him. During this tender embrace, they realize the need to rub each other’s back with a vigour that can, in polite terms can only be described, as extremely aggressive.




The portrayal of love scenes:
1) It’s always a hug. According to Bollywood, all good Indian men and women make love to each other by hugging. Gentle affection is depicted by filming the female protagonist resting her head on her lover’s shoulder whereas scenes which have to convey a deeper physical bonding are shown by aggressive rubbing of counterpart’s backs by the couple and disgusting facial expressions (to show they are losing control) in synchronization. But either way, it has to be shown thru a hug. How, for crying out aloud, can we produce babies by hugging, I wonder.

The copulation scene (or, what actually immediately follows the hugging scene):

Pollinating flowers :
For some funny reason, flowers decide to show affection to one another , i.e they start pollinating, when lovers hug . Soft lilting music in the background, and roses vibrating on their axes is the most common Bollywood portrayal for indicating that ‘love is in the air’. The two lovers would have just started hugging and getting intimate, and suddenly the scene would change over to two flowers swaying left, right, helter skelter, nodding their little heads as if to mark approval of this ‘sacrosanct’ act. Sometimes, when flowers are not available, a vigorously shaking bush would suit just as fine to portray physical affection between the protagonists.
Roaring fire or stereotype number ‘do’:
The hero and heroine were travelling in a car which has now broken down in the middle of nowhere. It’s raining cats, dogs and hippopotamuses. They spot a dark bungalow and decide to take refuge for the night. Once inside, the heroine (as usual) is feeling scared and cold, so macho man lights up a fire in the fireplace provided (how convenient!). Love sprouts all of a sudden and the protagonists move to hug each other. As soon as they start hugging, the camera moves to the roaring fire blazing ‘happily’.
Fact : Intensity of roaring fire is directly proportional to lust between the protagonists.
Baby’s photo: Bollywood cinema at its ‘bollywoodish’ best.
The hero is in a playful mood. He teases the heroine and ‘mischievously’ kisses her. The heroine (as usual) is scared out of her wits, this time because, “Rahul, what are you doing? Everyone’s here. Someone might see us”. But then, swayed by emotions, she lets the buffoon hug her. Camera shot moves from the protagonists to a wall, where a baby’s photo is staring back at the audience. The baby usually has a finger on his mouth, asking the audience to keep shhh about the deed.
Author’s observation: I have a strong suspicion that it’s the same baby that’s being used for all these films right from the 1920’s. The fellow must be at least eighty by now, and quite frankly speaking, pretty irritated for having to shhh the audience for ‘centuries.
Boiling milk: Note, this is the author’s personal favourite.

Scene: The hero is (as usual) in a playful mood. He comes up from the behind the heroine, who is industriously working in the kitchen. Hero grabs heroine around the waist, and the entire setting – the heroine, her waist, the colour of the wall, the cauliflower in the basket, the dirty utensils in the sink – all drive the hero’s sexual urges, and they start kissing. For some reason, the camera is now more focused on telling us the status of the boiling milk on the stove rather than the love making scene.
The poor milk steadily reaches its maximum boiling point and starts spilling over the utensil, which, please note, is the ONE AND ONLY WAY that signifies that yes, the hero and heroine have gone beyond kissing to the next stage of physical love.
The bedside lamp and the fan:
The hero and heroine are in their bedroom. They feel the urge to touch each other and lie down on the bed. For some reason, they never lie with their heads on the same side as the night lamp placed next to the bed. All the male lead stars in Bollywood must have been skilled footballers in their heyday, as none of them, not even one, ever use their hands to switch off the night lamp. What? Of course the two can touch each other only when the lights are off!!!! Hero skillfully, without once removing his gaze from the heroine’s face, uses his toe to switch off the lamp, and buries his stupid head in her neck. The camera moves to the ceiling fan in the room, which wants to make out too, so it shows off in front of the tube light by rotating at top speed.






The depiction of Rape (raping the audience’s mind?) scenes:

The act though thoroughly heinous in nature, is mostly shown in strange and often bemusing ways. The ‘bad’ guy is always fixated with the sleeves of the heroine’s dress. The author would like to keep his hand on the Gita (the book, you perverts!) and swear that bollywood villains get turned on only when they tear off the victim’s sleeves. Also, till this stage, the heroine is not too scared. I mean, she is not exactly humming happy tunes to herself but she’s still composed. But as soon as the bad guy reaches upto her and rips those sleeves, she finally concludes that uh oh, this must mean he’s gonna rape me, and starts crying hysterically. With all her might. (Or maybe the dress was expensive and she is terribly angry that he tore it!!)

An essential ‘prop’ for a rape scene is heavy lightning. The scene alternates between the villain savagely ttacking the heroine’s neck and lightning in the heavenly skies. For some reason, it never rains.
There are probably hundreds of other ways in which our filmy couples mate, and our friendly neighbourhood villain’s rape, but this post is already getting too long, so adios people and have an awesome day.

p.s 1) Mathew Sir is yet to check my assignment. Think he’ll gimme a good grade?
p.s 2) Someone shoot the guy who is charge of the “lightning” prop. Those “lightnings” are as artificial as artificial could be.

38 comments:

Nischal said...

Hey... I am the first one....awesome one this...by far the best I have ever read in my life....hats off to your deep understanding of libido and of course Indian cinema

neeraj said...

Thanks Nisch! Lol, yaar, my education in the matters of the libido is only restricted to 'theory' and 'visual research' ; if only there was a lil bit of practical education on the same! ;)

nithya said...

lol..dat ws super funny..

neeraj said...

OoOOoOoOh , thanks Neets! :)

rishi jain said...

hilaroius....ur writing style is exactly what ive been wanting to read from a long time...ur posts r a feast to brain and many more organs.. :P
waiting eagerly for ur book to be launched!!

rishi jain said...

hilarious*

saeka said...

Definitely Funny & cool assignments prof Nero, but it seems u failed to get the true essence of Prof Matthew's classes on "Stereotypes" as u mention "Of course he’s a mallu".i know u have ur intentions right but tht somehow dampened the fun of reading this blog... :(

Seetharaman Trichur Narayanan Iyer said...

Ah!! A non-ch1 er!! :-)
And definitely hilarious pal!! I only wonder if Dr. Matthew would give you the highest grades for this literally en'lightning' experience :-D
Besides this posts shows which scenes thy hath been watchin with maximum interest all these years :-P :-P
And wonder why you forgot to mention the final villain-hero confrontation where the villain is safe and sound beating the hero until the hero starts bleeding from the lips, wipes the blood with his fingers, sees same and becomes Mr. I-will-thrash-the-villain!!

ananya chatterjee said...

tho the scenes u r talkin abt has gone with the silent movies era or errr u r talkin abt the bhojpuri movies..........nevertheless a great read once agn
ur posts leave my senses boggled...in a good way ofcrs

Nischal said...

Ohhhh so studious of you Neeraj..

//my education in the matters of the libido is only restricted//

Completely suave.. Completely - Non- Neeraj :D

Dont tell me that you werent in jitters when the first crop of thistle invaded yr private areas.... ;)

Nischal said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
neeraj said...

@Rishi,

Lol, im not sue which all organs" of yors, my brains are satisfying but I hope they are mainly restricted to the upper portion of your anatomy, mate! ;) I dunno how comfortable I'll be if certain organs of yours feel excited when you look at the header pic or the profile pic of this page, lol! :) Thaks a ton, Rishi, you always make people feel wonderful by your comments!

neeraj said...

@Saeka,

Awww is that so madamoiselle?!! Well, thanks for the astute observations but how do I put it, lets just say that calling mallus 'smart, witty, handsome, studdish' isnt a stereotype , but a FACT!!! lol, kidding girl, of course you are right!

p.s I was never a grade A student ;)

neeraj said...

\\"Besides this posts shows which scenes thy hath been watchin with maximum interest all these years "

{in his most innocent voice}

Dude, i watch only devotional movies. 'Jai Santoshi Ma' is my favourite movie. 'Himalaya ki god me' is a movie i watch everyday. {blink!}

Author lookig heavenwards, folding his hands, and praying.What The audience does not know is that this is as usual just a ploy to make all the girls go "awwww neero, sooo cute! We wish all me were like you" ... ;)

Buddy, i am so shareef that I close my eyes and run out of the room whenever there is a mushy scene. Rape kya hota hai? {blink blink}

neeraj said...

@Ananya,

Well those pics i have put up, some of them are frm movies made in the 90's and 2000's .. The "sleeve raping" is from Ishq, and the "Roaring fire and love making" is from Mai Khiladi tu anari! But yeah thankfully such scenes have almost dissappeared. And thanks for being 'boggled'? You mean enuf to make the 'waves crash against the rocks' and let a few 'flowers pollinate'? ;) Lol!

neeraj said...

@Nischal,

\\"Dont tell me that you werent in jitters when the first crop of thistle invaded yr private areas"

{author widening his eyes and again, trying his utmost to look shocked, even astounded}

{closing his eyes}

Vishnu! Vishnu! Vishnu! Lord, forgive Nischal for his cheaponess! He doesnt know better... Bhagwaan, let me suffer for all his crimes.

Lol! :)

Nischal said...

you true hypocrite!!!!...you had it you to call me cheapo after doing PhD (twice) in bollywood rape scenes...and thirsty for more ... [:D]....miss ya man...aaja...bade maamu ke gale lag ja...aaja

Pranay said...

That was some arousing piece of writing! :p hehe!
Dude... u have done some research on the topic..
do u only watch love making and rape scenes in a movie!!
You probably should have backed up with some facts and figures... like how many blouses have shakti kapoor torn in his entire career!
Anyws.. interesting write-up... wonder what Matthew sir says about it.. do keep us informed!

neeraj said...

@Pranay,

Why do I have a feeling, Pranay, that you are of the naughtier, evil variety? Yeah, the same kind with twinkling eyes and a deadpan innocent face? The extreme shareefness with which you ask me about the number of bloses torn by Shakti Kapoor leaves me in splits, but is something I woldnt want to delve into... i mean i dont want to delve into the stats errr ;)And bro, I am currently doing research on dance steps...trying to find ot with some accracy, the exact moments wen the heroine feels an extreme urge to "thumkofy", i mean gyrate her hips. After that, will think abt wat exactly do 'filmy doctors' have in their briefcase and how come patients always need "dua" and never "dava". ;)

You are a dude, Pranay, and that... my friend, is a big compliment!

Saloni said...

Hmmm....so will you professor give you a good grade....(scratches her chin...discovers a bump...dumps the laptop on the bed...runs towards the mirror...examines it for like 15 mins [laptop completely forgotten]....finds out that its nothing...comes back to bed...starts facebooking...while doing a quiz on Bollywood think 'hmmm this reminds me of something'...realizes she was writing this comment....comes back to it..)...so like in bollywood the bottom of the screen reads '2Ghante baad'. :D

Kidding...well according to me you will get a good grade coz there are only two things that can happen :
a) He LOVES bollywood in which case mentioning all these scenes you might just have turned him on resulting in a great grade!!! (he might just use ur article as porn for centuries to come...lol
b) He HATES bollywood..in which case you have struck gold.

Lemme know how it was!!

Lotsa Love

neeraj said...

@Saloni,

Well im thankful that it was 'do ghante baad' and not 'bees saal baad' like in most of those movies. I aint as patient as Rakhee, la Karan Arjun fame, sitting in the temple for years altogether, tears in her eyes, and driving the priest mad by claiming, "mere bete aaayenge (the 'aaa' part is especially pronounced and heart wrenching}, mere karan arjun aayenge!" Lol, for you Saloni, even i'd do a "Meri saloni aayegi, comment deke jaayegi"! The priest must have gone crazy by the end of it, and must be telling God, "Uncle, let her sons come otherwise this hag wont stop!!!" Lol!

I'm not sure if he'll get 'turned on' at all, Saloni..ahem! And to call my work 'porn' .... aaaaaaaaargh! Ghor inshult!

Pranay said...

kahaan yaar.. mai sharif sa, seedha sa ladka hu... just like you!! Michief is just a outer layer of me.. andar se to mai ek komal phool ki bhaanti hu!
okay.. zada ho gaya!
but tell me.. u have a thing for the worst and cheapest scenes, nuances and cliches of bollywood.. right! The 80s and 90s era would be ur fav... i'm sure.. ab to sensible films banne lagi hain! Then was the time... when heavy-weight champion heriones used to gyrate and do-what-not.. that to... in between 1000 saris and 1500 matkas!

BTW... why u have an uncanny habit to post and repost comments twice and thrice! Does good to me though.. i dont mind! :p

mazdoor said...

Happy birthday in advance Nero the Great.

PhoneticDawdler said...

Rib-breaking funny!!
The 'subtle' stereotypes of 'sensitive' bollywood - brilliantly captured!

And if this earnest approach to 'assignments' leads to doom, i'll know whom to blame :D

Meineken said...

neer, (pardon me. its 'nero' now i hear).

good luck on the assignment. just a thought though...hollywood is not bereft of stereotypes either.

the world is waiting for nero to graduate and cleanse filmdom of such ills. and while you're at it do something about indian television too. :)

neeraj said...

@Pranay,

\\"andar se to mai ek komal phool ki bhaanti hu"

Rofl, rofl, loved the line, duude! And yeah man, agar you are a komal phool ki bhaanti, then Im Saira Bano in all her jawaani, kamsim kali and all! :P

neeraj said...

@Mazdoor,

Potbellied scurvy kleptomaniaca, the lot of you who played that prank on me, lol! ;)

@Phonetic Dawdler,
Awww you dont say so! But thanks for the "sensitive, subtle" comment ;)

neeraj said...

@Meineken aka Manika,

Manyuuuu, its been so long, really really happy to see ya in these parts. :) And no way, for you I'm always Neer .. not Nero :)

And yeah, sure, Hollywood has an equal number of stereotypes! Im sure Ms Meineken would do a better job cleansing the movie world of its evils, much more than a young, rugged, handome Neeraj Narayanan ever could ;)

Charu Chopra said...

:O

neha said...

dude...did u like watch el all ovr again to 'pen' dwn dis one...else u sure hav seen a lot of em..

in any case..lovd it
!!!!!

neeraj said...

@Charu,

I wonder what that expression conveys! ;)

@Neha,

Dont ask, dudette! The hardest part was collecting the pictures. I mean you know all these movies have such scenes but it becomes infinitely difficult to trace particular scenes. I remember spending one full night thinking up of movies which had rape scenes and then searching for them on youtube. My roomie must be thinking that Im a big perv, lol!

Donna said...

I know.. its very late to comment.. but damn... I just discovered you few months back :P

Anyway.. tell me what happened with the grade??? *curious*

And u knw wht... now.. I don't think i would be able to watch cheesy flicks with straight face... ur description would echo in my mind.
(secret: whenever i get hell bore or when my ph. doesn't ring.. I watch such cheesy flicks on Zee tv. hahah.. as i hate to use my head except during exams!!! CONSERVATION you see.. :D :D and nothingz better thn our bollywood movies... specially of the time when i was just born!! :D :D
Please REPLY!!

neeraj said...

Discovered? I feel like some lost silly continent, or some muddy metal ore hidden under the grubby layers of earth.

as for grade, I got an A. but then we had a kind teacher.

and you like these flicks??? I am judging you now, Donna :)

Donna said...

you're feelings are very complicated!! :P

Oh no.. I don't like it.. but thn i have kept it as an option!! ;)

And to judge me... thrz lot more thn thz 'flicks-watching' thingy!! ;):P

neeraj said...

Heh, I am sure there is. Time will find out for itself, the curious case of Donna Gamit. And maybe, so will I.

Donna said...

Write more soon!! :) :)

Waiting!!!

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