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Wednesday, May 13, 2009

The Lord God made them all!

“We can judge the heart of a man by his treatment of animals.”

Last weekend, both me and Nishi (my sister) had gone back home.The first day itself, Nishi invited two of her friends over to our place. I was told in advance, that they were pretty & therefore, I took a bath. When I came down finally,all neat and clean (bath + deo+ powder), Nishi introduced me to Priya and Devesh- Priya’s boyfriend {WHAAAAAAAAAAAAM!}

I spent the next two hours in my room upstairs. Alone. With Hector ( my doggy).

The two of us sat and watched Antonio Banderas kick Mexican ass in “Deperado” and during the break, I regaled Hecky with stories about his master’s bravery (I mean Hector’s master, not Antonio’s), about how I would have fought all those mexican gangsters with my bare hands blah blah. Must add, unlike most others, Hector understands me. He never thinks that I'm lying or exaggerating, & listens to all my stories. Well I have to lure him with chicken, but that’s besides the point.Anyway just as I started telling him about the part where I fell off a 5 storey building but still survived, I heard a loud scream from downstairs.Our heroic instincts aroused,the two of us dived under the sofa, fearing that a thief had got in.When the screams continued, we looked at each other wondering if it was worth saving,
1) Nishi (highly contemplateable!) and
2) a girl who had a boyfriend (ha ha! no way!).
But being the nice studs that we are, we exchanged rueful glances, realized that once again the onus was on us to save the world (’sholay’ movie whistling tune in the background), and crawled out from under the sofa.

On going downstairs, we saw the three of them screaming their lungs out at a suitcase. I wondered if it was a new game, asked, and then on being told that “No, there’s a snake ” behind the suitcase, I immediately joined them in their sophisticated pursuit, not just yelling, but also flapping my hands and jumping.

Priya asked me if I could do anything about the snake.I looked at her.Kept looking. “Kid, i know im charming, but im not a snakecharmer”. “WHAAAAAAAAAAAT !!!!” Devesh hollered. “Err, nothing”.

Devesh and I both had one thing in common. We both looked absolutely sure that there was nothing either of us were gonna do that would make the snake give up its new home. Heyy what you guys making faces for, im Terminator, not Tarzan ok. Neither Mowgli.

Dunno if it was woman’s lib, but suddenly Priya announced that she was gonna “take on the snake” herself. Nishi smiled at her and offered to get her a broom. Now I'm not a chauvinist. I believe girls are equally capable as boys,even better in certain areas & am totally for woman’s lib so I allowed her the oppurtunity to steal the thunder. Such is my magnanimity. The first time the suitcase moved, she shrieked and fell back on me, holding my hand (read:bulging forearms) for support.So much for woman’s lib, hmph!

Note: Its in such circumstances (I mean the ones in which a girl holds your hand) that the testosterone or any of the other hormones in a man’s body, shoot up to impossible levels and he believes that he can take on King Kong. In my cranium’s defence, it was hardly machoish to let my younger sister’s petite friend take on a snake while I looked on(read:terrified) from behind.

And that’s how I found myself, five minutes later,with a broom in my hand while the three of them looked on from top of the bed. I turned to Mr Loyalty personified,aka Hecky for encouragement, but he seemed to have dissappeared too. Swine!…I threw the broom in disgust and picked up my battle hardened cricket bat. “Kill it” shouted an enthusiastic Devesh. Swivelling in slow motion,i gave him my “Angry Antonio Banderas” stare. Wonder if they felt the same way about my expression, coz they all nodded enthusiatically, so i just turned back & prodded the suitcase gingerly. No movement. I asked them if they were sure about the snake and Devesh screamed “watch out, its behind you”. I jumped out of my skin at that, but not a thing was in sight! “Ha Ha, gotcha!” he sniggered. Hmm not only was he ugly, but also had an atrocious sense of humor. What did that Priya see in him?%#$%#

After 5 minutes of prodding, the suitcase started moving violently. I pushed at the suitcase with my bat hoping that the snake would get squeezed against the wall and die. “No dont kill it” Nishi pleaded, “please just throw it”.”Aaaargh, do i look like some weird fakir? Or do you expect me to do an erotic naagin dance in front of it, entice it by my suave moves and trap it in a basket?” i hollered. Infuriated, i attacked the suitcase with more viciousness and the snake slithered out. We now faced each other out in the open. It was a small one, probably a baby. “Haka” ..I whispered, getting into a karate like position. “shezwan-oo..yaooo toshibaa”, I mouthed … The trick worked. The scared thing slithered out of the french windows and into the fields, much to everyone’s relief. Har!

I raised my hands in triumph, and looked towards the heroine, expecting a bear hug.Well what didja expect, course Priya hugged……………..Devesh.

I spent the next two hours in my room. Alone.With Hector.

p.s Have a great day people. Will leave ya with this thought,

“Every boy should have two things: a dog, and a mother willing to let him have one.”

24 comments:

rishi jain said...

yeah...its the first comment...
nice one..i wud love to see u jumping on the bed and flapping ur hands.. :P

Seetharaman Trichur Narayanan Iyer said...

Ailaa!!
Doode!! read this up in ch1 but course commentin here ...
temme one thing - what is it with gals that make them think guys can take on snakes, dogs, 2 underworld thugs and stuff??? I mean......By noi measure do you resemble Hulk hogan....and why were they pestering you to get rid of the snake?? pawning you kyaa?? :-D
And how are devesh and Priya now?? doing fine?? or did Mr banderas find a way to violin-rocket-launch devesh?? :-D

P.s:; Salma is hot in desperado huh!! a pity she married the french nitwit instead of someone like self! sigh!

neeraj said...

@Rishi,

Thanks man! Err about that flapping, i did that only once dude! Normally, im a very macho, mean, aggressive guy..

{mum shouting from the background}

"Beta Neer, come and drink your bournvita! "

Err, and that is when you officially give up ur claims on being macho! ;)

neeraj said...

@Trich,

\\"what is it with gals that make them think guys can take on snakes, dogs, 2 underworld thugs and stuff??"

You are right man! I mean, err obviously i can take on snakes, dogs, thugs, a couple of gorillas, a killer shark, all together but not every boy can! I fail to understand why girls are like this. Hmm! And of course i dont resemble hulk hogan. more like that guy.. cruise... tom cruise! People keep saying that to me ;)

\\"And how are devesh and Priya now"

Author folding his arms, pouting his mouth and looking in another direction. Hmph!

kavya said...

“We can judge the heart of a man by his treatment of animals.”
I pushed at the suitcase with my bat hoping that the snake would get squeezed against the wall and die.
???
tut tut narayanan...my judgement reserved...
;) just kidding..
ur posts brighten up my otherwise normal boring life..keep them coming

J said...

“Kid, i know im charming, but im not a snakecharmer”.
LMAO..yet to read the rest.:)

neeraj said...

@Kavya,

You have all rights to judge me there, Kavya. No excuses, i shouldnt have written that second line, but in my defence,in all honesty, i would never even dream of hurting an animal. Except for monkeys like you, of course :P

\\"ur posts brighten up my otherwise normal boring life"

I dunno if I really do that but you just brigthened me up soooo much with that comment senorita! thank you sooooo much!

Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

Tsk tsk! WOMEN!!

neeraj said...

@J,

;) Thanks kiddo!

@Roshni,

Yeah, these women ... "A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often" ;) lol!

ananya chatterjee said...

a great post once again....enjoyd
thanks.:)

neeraj said...

@Ananya,

Aint i supposed to be the one doing the thanking? ;)

ananya chatterjee said...

how cum?
i read it the pleasure was all mine....:)

neeraj said...

@Ananya,

Awwww, you have just brought a big smile to my face :) Merci beaucoup, madamoiselle!

Nischal said...

Knowing the author, I think he is going to write something on his adventurous GOA trip with his "LANGOTIA's" sooner than later :)

neeraj said...

@Nisch,
Aaah you know me well dude, but lemme say that I dont like being predictable ;)

Saloni said...

Lol....im sorry i cant write...coz i am still laughing my ass off on how you and hector came out from under the bed with the sholay theme playing in the background...LOL...

PS : Notice how i am sticking to my 1 comment on each blog till you write the book promise. :D

neeraj said...

@Saloni mere saath chaloni,

Whaaaat? You're laughing at the delhi daredevils duo of Nero and Hector?!!! Someone tell her that aaj bhi jab Nero takes a stroll in the gullies of aligarh, ladkiyaan "haai allah, uii allah" kehke badabad girti hain, badabad girti hain! ;)

Note: above dialogue was a tribute paid by the author to the greatest movie of all times, "Andaz apna apna"

And aaj bhi when Hector walks on the streets of doggyland, she-doggies uski flowery tail ko kh kar badabad woof karti hain, badabad woof karti hain! ;)

Ur the best, Sal!

Rakesh Vanamali said...

Lol! This is hilarious!

Rakesh Vanamali said...

And the title "The Lord God made them all" :))

PhoneticDawdler said...

Heyy Senior!

Ahem, since I am not a fraud Mican, we have both earned our titles ;)

You are officially the first voluntary visitor to my blog, the only person I have not had to threaten, cajole, tempt or blackmail into leaving 'positive reviews' :D . And only the second follower..sniff! I am so overwhelmed - That's the best welcome I cud ve had to Mica, Thankyou!

And had a rollicking time reading your posts.. 'I know I'm charming, but I am not a snakecharmer!!' Dunno when i ve read anything funnier. Keep them coming :)

neeraj said...

@Rakesh,

Thanks a lot, buddy! As for the title, well there's a book by James Herriot that goes by the same name. There's a prayer that goes like this,

"All things bright and beautiful,
all creatures great and small,
All things wise and wonderful,
The Lord God made them all. "

He wrote four books, whose titles were the four lines of this prayer. Read them if you can, they are really nice.

neeraj said...

@PhoneticDawdler aka Preeti,

Awwww, honestly Preeti, I loved reading your blog, and would like to ask anyone who has the time to read my posts to go check Preeti's coz she writes really well.

And yes maam, i guess i'll be seeing you in Mica. Keep posting and i'll keep visiting :)

Lakshmi says leave out all the rest said...

oh my god, the writing's so amazing that i wish I'd been there to witness it. :P
beautifully written!

neeraj said...

Well Lakshmi, hop on a plane or train and come down here, in that case. Or maybe you could even come on a galloping horse, think you'd look mighty fine on that :)