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Saturday, May 9, 2009

And this is why mai aisa hu!

Over the past few days, i have heard rumours that there are a “few” people who believe that i have a tendency to praise myself in my posts..I wonder what gave them that idea, lol! ;) Anyway, i have decided to be fair as usual, and this time around, im not gonna tell you any of those true stories, incidents in Mr Narayanan’s life when he bravely helped damsels in distress, saved the cheetah from extinction, not even gonna tell you that i was the actual pioneer behind India’s nuclear power project, not Mr Weird Hairstyle Kalam. Instead today I'm gonna share some of the incidents that have had a saddeningly deep impact on my life and have scarred me forever.

Its all my parents fault: At the tender age of two, when a child’s mind is having its first impressions about the world, when a tiny toddler is still in the process of learning various educational things like “the art of spraying a new tablecloth, or, better,a human being with one’s biological “tools”..( a quick squirt right when he picks you up is the first thing they teach you in that brilliant book “Things you can get away with when you are a baby” ), I was subjected to vicious child abuse. In a nation which is still largely besotted with the male child, here was a family, which wanted 2 daughters, and when God didnt choose to listen to their prayers, mum decided that it was okay if she had a baby boy coz he really wouldn't be able to stand up for himself when she’d dress him in girly clothes. And everywhere we went, men and women of all kinds would pick me up, play with my cheeks and exclaim “What a cute little daughter you have?” (Now you know why i am the way i am? now u feel sorry for me?!!!). All i did was stare back with big eyes, coz i still hadnt learnt how to speak (Amma says I never spoke till Iwas four, and after that I never stopped.)

If you think this was torture enough, you are wrong. There were other incidents too. My parents had a belief that the only times i looked “photogenic” was while i was having a bath, and as soon as my “essentials” were off, and id bravely stand under the shower( with a look similiar to that of a doomed prisoner’s when he’s staring at the noose), they’d start clicking pictures. I was intelligent enough though. I'd quickly place the mug strategically over regions of the anatomy that God endowed men with, so that they could squirt all the walls in the neighbourhood and the world in general.Sometimes a soap case substitued for a mug, at other times, id dive into buckets, or duck behind the commode… all this to save my honour!

I see some of you already have tears in your eyes,and feel like screaming at my parents for their “behaviour” but dont do that. They are my parents and i am Shravan Kumar. You can instead offer your sympathies to me in the form of cash, gifts or treats.

School: When I was in 7th standard, I fell in love. I mean, that was the first time. There have been numerous instances of the same kind,since after that.It usually changes faster than the seasons in a year, but back in that glorious summer of ‘96, i knew that I, Neeraj Narayanan, would take 12 year old Megha Mathur, one day, as my lawfully wedded wife , and would take care of her in sickness, in health,in rich or poor,during football worldcups and maybe even during cricket ones, until death or Pamela Anderson do us apart. The fact that that pretty little angel never realized all these things isnt of much significance, the fact that she knew I existed made me happy enough. I was the geekiest looking lad in the schol and she was the most beautiful girl in the planet. So one day, gathering up all my courage, i went to her seat ,my eyes on her throughout that fateful distance upto her seat. I even got up with a gracefullness I din expect myself capable of, after i fell head first into the floor when a dratted boy tripped me. Anyway, i put my hand suavely on her table and asked her how she felt about me.

You actually fell for that!!! No you nitwits, though I had intentions to ask something of the sort, the words that actually came out of my mouth were “Did you bring your Megha, English book?” It made her laugh and I pretended that I had said it in purpose. We began talking and it felt wonderful. She cracked a joke and I laughed loudly , guffawed in fact, tossing my head back(like a horse)and laughing thinking that it would make her happy. It might have, but funnily enough, her face changed colour and .. was i dreaming? she even looked frightened. I wondered if I had forgotten to brush my teeth in the morning, and thats when i felt an excruciating pain in my left ear. Apparently, the teacher, who had arrived in class, wasnt very happy about me not realizing that he was there, and neither did he like me laughing uproariously. He held my ear the entire time, while “escorting” me out of the class, and i could hear a class of 40 laughing along. {sigh!}. Megha and i never got married.

While in my 12th standard, I was travelling in a public bus once. When I got in there was just one seat empty, next to a girl. I sat down displaying great sophistication. Before i could entertain thoughts of “falling for her”, my eyes fell on three rowdies, probably in their mid 30’s, sitting in front. They were all sitting face towards us, and looked “drunk”. Soon, they started passing lecherous comments at the poor girl sitting next to me, and it was,frankly, disgusting. There were about 15 people in the bus, but nobody dared to say anything.Though being a hardcore bollywood fan, i knew that there was no way I could fight even one of them, leave alone 3. But the $%$#% wouldnt stop commenting, and it made me mad. In my most threatening voice, Iasked them to stop, and before I could tell them that they’d be thrashed by me if they din listen,they were all upon me & I was smacked left right centre. It would have probably continued for the whole day, if the conductor hadnt pleaded with them to stop. They went back to their seats and we were subjected to verbal abuse, till, finally the girl, and I got off at a busstop. We left without saying a word to each other.

There are numerous other incidents where i have been acutely embarassed, but i wont share them with you. Shan’t tell you that my seat partner in 6th standard, Neha, always beat me in hand wrestling, or the play -”Ekalavya” when i over acted so much (i was one of the Ekalavya’s bhil friends and ended up speaking more lines than him), that for the next showing of the play, the dramatics club gave me the role of a “tree” in the forest where Ekalavya and his friends played.Being an enthusiastic chap, the tree (me) kept on moving throughout the play. Later when the teacher furiously demanded an explaination, i claimed that it was very windy and i was depicting a “swaying tree”.Shant tell you that last time i went to Kerala, my parents told me that we were supposed to inaugarate a family temple, and I'd have to wear a dhoti(1st time). And right when the priest offered me “prasad” the whole dhoti came off. The priest was in the general ward the whole of next day, and from then on, has handed over the responsibility of the “prasad sharing” to unlucky juniors.

But just coz i said all dis it doesnt mean im any less a stud. And there will be a day when anybody coming to my house, will look at me with awe, fear and respect.
But only if mom stops showing them those darned #$#$%#$ bathroom baby photographs

60 comments:

ananya chatterjee said...

that was hilarious.loved every bit...nice work...
and thnks for going thru my blog..:)

neeraj said...

@Ananya,

Meri "dardanaak, fultu emotional, dramatic" story funny???? Hilarious?

;) Lol, merci beaucoup madamoiselle, and i lied your blog a lot too! take care!

kavya said...

i lovvvvvvvvvveeed this post...i know ive read it once b4 but i still laughed my a** off..one of ur best posts for sure...mast post dost! :)

neeraj said...

@Kavya,

{author steps forward, holds the mike, clears his throat and ....}

Kava kava kava,
kava kava kava,
ki aaj mera je karda,
ki ajj mera jee karda,
mai tere saath naachu
ki ajj mera jee karda,
aise flattering comments na chhoro,
ki aaaj mera....

Needless to say, its the most disgusting remix version of the original number from 'Monsoon Wedding'. ;)

Saloni said...

I am waiting for you to write a book....ur blogs leave me wanting more...COMON....ure like BETTER than Chetan Bhagat...and dnt worry coz u will have one loyal reader (me) and a very dominating gal at that...so every1 i know and CAN know will be MADE to read the book...i can picture myself setting up a stall at a Crossword.....with a pile of ur books and a cane in my hand....a line of scared looking people passing by with me saying 'yes yes cry wen u are outside...just leave the money and take the book....keep the line moving'
lol

neeraj said...

@Saloni,

And after reading that comment, the author is like on top of the moon, though Im not sure if Mr Bhagat will be falling in love with you for saying that, lol! :)

And I have decided bachu, if i ever write a book, there will be a character called "Saloni Singh" in it, and also a pic of you grinning madly, on the last page.

{while Saloni is dropping happy sentimental tears at the generosity displayed by the oh so lovable author of this blog, he is grinning wickedly to himself. What she thought was generosity, was actually clever planning by Kameena Narayanan. Ab content bekaar bhi hua toh no tension, glamour quotient had increased manifold by the lovely Ms Singh's photographic presence}

;) Muah kiddo! We will sit together in the line, and split the money and go have garam samose with it.:)

Sunder said...

You know, you don't need to justify yourself through blog posts. We accept one and all and especially work for the upliftment of people like you whom society shuns.

neeraj said...

@Sundar,

Once im back in college, ill "uplift" some of your organs which refuse to get "up", in lieu of the comment that you left me, bro! :) Lol!

Sunder said...

Inspite of your earnest wishes, I don't see any reason in uplifting them for your sake. Neither can you help 'coz my interests are in a different gender :)

D_Observer said...

ur simply the best
//In my most threatening voice//
now that i would like to hear dude :)

neeraj said...

@Sundar,

Lol, lol ;) Author will not continue this comment, despite the wicked jokes that are coming to his mind coz this is a family channel, and erotic scenes are only described by

1) showing a moving fan ,or
2) a raging sea
3) flowers pollinating
4) milk spilling over stove

neeraj said...

@Observer bhai,

Thanks man! And your threatening voive intimidates me completely.. so much so that im gonna come and dabao ur little adam's apple till you start speaking donald duck ishtyle. :)

Kidding buddy, thanks a lot for the comment

Nischal said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
neeraj said...

@Nisch,

And I think i know the reason for that very well, Nisch! Im sorry man, and hmmm... okay since we have to now cheer up one of the nicest human beings in this world, the next post is dedicated to you. The number of comments i get on that post will be the total amount donated to the "Dukhi Nischal" charity fund!

Lol, cmon man! Forget the blues, and everything along with it, there are still a few things worth smiling for. For example, Pamela Anderson, garam samose.. and the first morning of a Lords Test match! :)

rishi jain said...

wonderful yaar....reading your posts comletely refreshes me and moreover reading all the comments relating to the posts leave me ROFL...i really like CHETAN BHAGAT as a writer and ur writing style resembles much to him...whenever u write a book il def. b dere in ur marketing team!!

Nischal said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Nischal said...

LOLZ...garam samose...hahahah ...where do you get them in Chennai? and next time you write garam samose while you are in Chennai, edit it to "GARAM and TASTY samose".

neeraj said...

@Rishi,

\\"i really like CHETAN BHAGAT as a writer and ur writing style resembles much to him.."

You mean you think Chetan "tries" to write like me, right? ;)Oof yeh chetan bhi na, cant show any originality ...$@#%$%$#

Rofl!Im deeply honoured by your comment Rishi! Very flattered. Is there an acronym called ROFL? Rolling On Floor in Disbelief? ;)

As for joinging the marketing team, if i write a book, kyu saale... here, i was reading the comment happily thinking that you'll say that you'll buy all the copies of my book and dekho ... kise clever-ta se u joined the marketing team so that i cant beg, force, threaten you to buy it :(

Lol, thanks sooo much for the comment Rishi! U totally made my day

neeraj said...

@Nischal,

\\"You dare fuck around by writing that blog on me and watch out for yr balls man"

Chhheee chhheee chhhheee! {author holding his kaan.} Duude, blood is coming out of my ears after listening to you cheaaap words. Beta, this is a family channel, u cant use such words here.

{author wearing a kutti little wet, white dhoti, muttering "vishnu, vishnu" and going for a bath to cleanse himself of Nischal's chhee chheee language}

;) Duude, miss ya man! Come to chennai, ill feed you hot tasty samose!

Nischal said...

D R A M A

Nischal said...

le delete kar dia...

Charu Chopra said...

I cant say much anymore.. everything has already been said and am short on words now... :)

keep it coming..

neeraj said...

@Charu,

Darr mat beta bol de. Quoting aamir khan in Dil Chahta Hai, "Bol de yaar! Aisi baaton ko dil me nahi rakhte. Mard ban.. be a man! err I mean be a woman! Bol de. Yeaaah! lol!

Thank you maam, and sure, will keep it coming.

Seetharaman Trichur Narayanan Iyer said...

Ah ha!!
So what do we have here?? One who has gaffed like never before eh?? Dude...Lemme tell u that self understands all when you dived into those painful episodes of yours....me been through them generally frequently and looking like a pug mark aint really new territory fer self as well

But matey!! that bus episode sent chills down ma spine!! I mean....gee!! If I were you I d have umm.....begged the gal to get down in the next stop along with self.....Never will I make the mistake of accosting 3 certified underworld thugs in front of a girl!!!
Phew!!

neeraj said...

@Trichur,

\\"that bus episode sent chills down ma spine!! I mean....gee!! If I were you I d have umm.....begged the gal to get down in the next stop along with self.....Never will I make the mistake of accosting 3 certified underworld thugs in front of a girl!!!"

Not for nothing is he called "Neeraj Stud Narayanan"!

Lol, i always wanted to use that line somewhere! Arey dude, hadnt it been for the tremendous effect of Bollywood on me, even i wouldnt have tried that stunt of standing upto three men, each thrice my size. But these movies, and even more so, the company of girls does something to the thousand of silly hormones flowing inside men, to make them believe that they are Superman and willing to take on all the bad guys of the planet! ;)

Naah but seriously, that was the only thing that i thought i could do, to atleast sit with her till she got off at her busstop.

History will remember the author, no, not for exhibiting a la Akhay Kumar style of kicks that lay five goondas on the floor; but will remember him for being someone who was there till the end.

Brown said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

fascinating!!
Coming to your blog for the first time! Keep writing!!

neeraj said...

@Roshni,

\\"Coming to your blog for the first time"

Its all right, kiddo! I forgive you ;)

Lol, keep visiting Roshni and thank you! :)

Brown Girls said...

Still going on about girls and bathroom pictures. (Eww, suddenly sounds sick.) Call me sometime b@#$%^&.

(In case you're wondering, this is your ex-best friend who you unchivalrously abandoned.)

neeraj said...

@Brown girls aka Ms Sharma,

Abe you using the word 'abandoned' as if

{flashback, 1998 }

author and brown girl, walking on the railway platform. Stud Narayanan has Rs 400 in his wallet, which is the exact money required to go to mumbai (maybe they wanna become film stars!). She smiles at him, and he walks upto the ticket counter. He stands in the line contemplating about the future, about them getting off from mercedes cars and signing the cute little autograph booklets of the thousands of fans who track their every movement. He wonders if he'll spend half his earnings on old age homes, on protecting the environment. He looks at her from the distance and smiles. It is a smile of trust, of hopes, of dimpled cheeks.

Two hours later, he's happily sitting in the train ALONE enjoying the Rs 200 Dominoes Pizza, he bought using the money for her ticket. She, is standing in front of the men's bathroom on the platform outside which he left her, wondering when he'll ever come out.

Lol, that, my dear girl is abandoning! Howz u doing Sharma? So haappy you came to the gates of "My Experiments with Truth" ;)

Saikat Das said...

Awesome Blog...I do agree with Saloni completely that you have the guts to go way far than even Chetan Bhagat...In one sentence I have to put,You have proved every bit of the sentence "Attitude Justified" in MICAn way ;) ...Best Wishes,GODBLESS Bro!!

neeraj said...

@Saikat,

Bro, i feel deeply honoured that FINALLY there's somebody who thinks Im "Mican material". Usually people look at me and say, "whaaat! You're a mican" and then when I "dimple" back adoringly in assent, they for some reason look up at the skies. Dunno why man? Weird you think? Maybe they are asking God how come such a bright brain didnt go to Harvard or MIT? ;)lol, thanks an awful lot man, my first book ki teesri copy tere naam!

p.s 1) First copy is for saloni
p.s 2) second? {smiling bashfully) FOR my pamela. pamela anderson ;)

Confounded! said...

<“Did you bring your Megha, English book?”>

You'd think spoonerisms such as that would mostly warrant just a smack on the forehead on the part of the reader but it had me in splits for a good 2 minutes :D well written!

neeraj said...

@Confounded,

Thank you Konfu Singh, though Im wondering who's forehead the reader would smack? Their own or the author's ? ;)

Anonymous said...

Nice post nero!!!

Anonymous said...

Sehr interessant!

Anonymous said...

interesting read. I would love to follow you on twitter.

Anonymous said...

I really like when people are expressing their opinion and thought. So I like the way you are writing

neeraj said...

@Anonymous-who-commented-on-feb-15,

Well for that Id really like to know something more than your 'anonymous' status

@Anonymous-who-commented-today,

Thanks a lot, will try to continue doing the same :)

spirit.alive91 said...

A-MAZING post :p ... loved it.. ur a tru entertainer & bring out the best of u when writing.. your posts make me laugh, smile & giggle.. could even term it a stress-buster.. looking forward to more of your witty writing.. keep up d good work..

P.S. Ur really brave to stand up for the girl in the bus..(next time u do that, take a look arnd 4 d rowdy's u knw.. :P)

Grace Personified said...

observation : your tags are often as entertaining (if not more) as the post itself.

Grace Personified said...

oh wait...they're called labels :|

neeraj said...

@Rini,

Heh, someone's read three posts of mine, I feel absolutely flattered madamoiselle Handa :)And hmph, after all the effort to write the posts, you say that they are as good or bad as the tags. Hmph!

Grace Personified said...

Aila! compliments backfire ho rahe hain.

Why the modesty, sir? So many comments on each post, such popularity, teen post padhne waalon ko kahaan yaad rakhoge :P

neeraj said...

@Rini

\\"teen post padhne waalon ko kahaan yaad rakhoge"

1) I find it infintely hard to forget a twenty plus year old girl who says "Aila"

2)It aint the number, it is the way a person says it, that makes one feel warm towards them

3)We do have things in common, remember? :P

Grace Personified said...

aww :)

Question : Why don't you write more often?

neeraj said...

@someone-whom-i-do-not-know-yet-am-trusting-for-reasons-unknown,

There are a set of people who love to perform in front of an audience and play to the galleries. But the vast realms of the world wide web, often render them as entities relatively anonymous,unsung or unheard of, a reality they cannot accept or werent used to in the real life. Comprende? :)


Also, heh, I am writing a book. Absolutely no idea why I am letting you know, for I will look like an ass if it comes out and turns out to be a dud. But thats okay, Ill somehow convince my mum to read it :P Following my gut instinct I guess, by telling you. Vibes, they call it.

Grace Personified said...

comprende senor :)

And here I was about to tell you that I won't exhort you to write a book yet, just write blog posts more often :P Books take time and we, the (bored) people, need instant gratification.

The book sounds good, I look forward to it.

Anonymous said...

Sweet blog, I hadn't noticed garam-samose.blogspot.com before during my searches!
Keep up the good work!

Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing this link, but unfortunately it seems to be offline... Does anybody have a mirror or another source? Please reply to my post if you do!

I would appreciate if a staff member here at garam-samose.blogspot.com could post it.

Thanks,
Peter

Anonymous said...

Hi,

This is a message for the webmaster/admin here at garam-samose.blogspot.com.

Can I use part of the information from your blog post right above if I give a link back to this website?

Thanks,
James

neeraj said...

I guess you could James, but could you tell me in what regard is the content going to be used?

Utsav said...

Good one!

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