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Thursday, October 21, 2010

Living on the edge with Gom Gom!

For all Gb lovers and that includes me,
I should have known everything was not right when I opened a blurry eye and saw Gaurav Banerjee or Geebka (as he is known to a few affectionate sources) sitting cross legged near my bed, looking all gung ho and full of beans. The man had never woken up for office before ten thirty, so to see him at my side at seven a.m was quite disconcerting to the eye.

“Choozay, chal driving sikhane”

The name’s Bond, not choozay phoozay.

I sighed and asked him if Neha had left her bike at our place. Earlier, she had been gracious enough to permit him to learn the art on her Activa and as we hopped down the steps and walked to it for the first time, the mauve thingie stared back at us bashfully.

Now before I launch into the most scalding of tirades any man has ever penned down, let me get this straight for I would not want to tarnish the reputation of a man if I am wrong. Do tell me, how many things do you have to remember while driving a non geared scooter besides increasing and decreasing the raise? That is all, right?

Apparently, this piece of information proved to be too complex for our man to assimilate. As we took the initial hesitant , also building block wala steps towards his ideal dream of driving an Avenger one day through the mountains, wind in his tresses et al, there were a number of issues that literally stared us in the face.

First of all, we were forced to contend with his shorts that flapped so gracefully that we were convinced it was in reality a divided skirt, yessir! Also, the skirt’s skittish movements exposed major chunks of his thighs and rendered me blind for several seconds.

We proceeded at a top speed of a couple of metres per hour, and soon cyclists, pedestrians and stationary objects were over taking us with consummate ease. I have a firm opinion that even if he had chosen to alight from the Activa and push it with only his chubby left thumb, it would have still moved with much greater velocity. “I think I can drive a chopper now, man” he voiced just before an eighty year old lady overtook us walking.

With Gom Gom (that’s what the Bengali world called him even when he was 16, hehe!) at the helm, the scooter seemed to have a mind of its own. I fail to understand why a bike would not move in a straight line when it is on a completely empty road, but the Activa just wouldn’t do so. It kept jerking its head left and right, swerving, halting - just like a dog on a walk.

The story of the turns needs another post to do justice to it. Although I have always thought of myself as a courageous and brave man, it is with the highest integrity I confess that today whenever that Bengali specie took a left, right or u-turn, my nerves jangled and rattled like a temple bell gone berserk.

"When Geebie drives the scootys, he gives me the cooties"

“Raise de, bike ghooma.” We were trying u-turns on an empty road flanked by vegetation on its sides. In the wisest move of the day, I got down from the bike citing that I had to check if he was making the cut properly.

He responded by turning the bike eighty four degrees (a U requires 180) and drove savagely into the bushes, stopping only when it was halfway up a tree. The next time he was told to turn right, the bike mysteriously tilted so much to the left that the steering almost met the road. Some times he would apply the correct amount of raise but would forget to turn the steering. Other times he would rotate it stylishly only to not provide any acceleration and see it splutter to a grinding lifeless stop. But mostly, he just drove into the bushes and halfway up the now quite annoyed tree.

I would have felt sorry but every time he crossed me, he would give me that impish smile that so warmed him to all and sundry at MICA. “Think I have got the hang of it, eh?” he’d say before streaking into the trees and scaring the living daylights of all the birds.

The best was saved for the last. After 84 U-Turns, none of which were a perfect semi circle, no not even a semi oval, nor a semi ellipse, we decided to take a few rounds of our colony before depositing the bike at Neha’s. So there we were, two alpha males riding through the wild (how else do you describe G’nagar?) with not a care in the world, in the middle of a mature conversation,

“I really think I should buy a Harley”
“Activa ki to Maarli, ab chahiye isko Harley”
{dry wit and poetry at its best, I say}

And that’s when she came out, breezing into the camera frame from seemingly nowhere. Oh no, you oafs, this isn’t a romantic scene and she wasn’t pretty and all that jazz. She was only crossing the road, but then stopped in the middle for no apparent reason. Hardly a reason to panic, because we were over a hundred metres away and could have chosen to follow any of the five hundred options that would avoid an accident – 1) Brake. 2)Turn the steering slightly to the left and cross her. 3)Or to the right and likewise. 4)Blow the horn blah blah

But no, Gb decided to do the one thing that would have ensured an accident. He accelerated the speed and drove the bike right into her. Note, till now we had not crossed the ten kilometer per hour barrier in the entirety of the day, but as soon as Gb saw the girl and the scope for the most ridiculous and avoidable accident, he raised the bar to fifty. In perfect synchronization, the girl remained oblivious to the entire scene, even though everyone around her screamed just like a good audience is supposed to. On our part, Gb eloquently mouthed “Oh shit shit shit” but refused to discontinue gunning the vehicle exactly towards her, while I assuaged myself by digging my hands deep into his collar in an attempt to reign him in, like a rider does his horse.

I always knew I was a prince in my last birth. Must have been an excellent horse rider. These things just don’t leave you, come new birth or a bozo roomy.

We somehow missed her. Gb claims it was his ‘sexy’ legs that altered the bike’s course and I think that she skipped at the last moment; either way we heard a high pitched scream. Maybe we mowed her down. We somehow returned home alive and right now, an hour past midnight, Geebka is sleeping happily, probably dreaming of a leather jacket and hot pillion riders.

Once he snores, I will turn that seven o clock alarm off.

29 comments:

bustlingwoods said...

Hahahaha!

And why was I not told of the encounters with the woods and bushes? :) Should I be scared now?

Grace Personified said...

1.) welcome back
2.) Activa! :D love those things.
3.) Erstwhile prince, I'd like to hear the learner's part of the story, ye version skewed maloom hota hai :P

Yo-Yo said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Yo-Yo said...

Will you be brave enough to capture this monstrosity on video (oh, I hear there is a next time!)

neeraj said...

@Bustling woods - Heh, scared is a polite word. My intestines are still in my mouth. Would you like to teach him from Friday? He will buy you tea, you know ... nice boy, he is

@Grace Personified - 3)Dear princess, the learner deals in more hyperboles than I do. If you listen to his version, it'll probably be about how he drove a rocket blind folded to the moon and a few other rocks beyond.

2)Yamaha .. love those things.

1)You too.

neeraj said...

Yo Yo - If you are hearing, it must be true then. your blog holds my attention currently, fyi.

Dishit D said...

haha - All the time i was worried about the Activa and then finally you summed the state of Activa with your dry wit!

Do have many such experiences so that we can have more fun reading them! :P

neeraj said...

@Dishit - You are a loyal man Dishit, and those are the kind the world should really watch out for :)

bikeintruckheadfirst.com said...

To be fair, those things can be damn difficult at times..............

neeraj said...

@bikeintruck - If your bike went into a truck head first, I guess it's still pretty difficult for you, eh? :)

Just a fun post, mate! Two roomies running each other down, or haven't ya had that special relationship yet? ;)

bikeintruckheadfirst.com said...

Think of all the people you know who've driven an Activa head first into a truck, genius.

bikeintruckheadfirst.com said...

And I had a special relationship. This blog post made it past tense.

Keede lagey tujhe.

neeraj said...

@Bikeintruck,

Oh yeah, if it was so special, why did you run after bikinis on facebook. My topless body wasn't enough for you huh!

Singing 'tic toc' and 'woofer' with random girls.. gallivanting behind my back. You broke my heart, SHAKEY.

Machhar kaate tujhe! Dengue waale!

Revs said...

Ok wait. Let me get this straight. There is actually a man your age who does not know how to ride a non geared harmless bike like the Activa!??!
You gotta be kidding me man. What makes you declare that you are alpha men then? Should'nt alpha men be riding bullets and spitting saliva on the road? :P
And activa is actually a tough vehicle to master if you are learning to ride a two wheeler only now. You should start with Sunny or TVS-50 or luna! :D
Anyway. great post after a long time! :)

P.S: I love the mature way in which you guys are fighting. The last time I heard people fight like this was when I went to Juhu beach and heard fisherwomen screaming obscenities at each other. "Keedey lagey tujhe", "Macchar kaate tujhe".
Waaaaaaaah! Mmmmaza aa gaya! :D

neeraj said...

The fight that you talk about is not between me and my roomie .. Its between me and my 'lover', Shakey! ;) He is not speaking to me any more coz I dedicated an entire blog post to another man, and I want 'machhar to kaato him' because he was flirting with random women in facebook just coz they had bikini pics :P

Do not todo ur choodis Revs, I have space in my heart for you also :P

Abhijit Bhattacharyya said...

good lord i dont stay in the same city.....and thank God Gom Gom(i,being a Bengali,have no idea what it can possibly mean) never plied his trade here.....

neeraj said...

@Abhijit - You have not seen Gom Gom while he is sleeping. It is the most pornographic and perverse sight ever. You should thank the Lord for that, actually :P

bustlingwoods said...

I dare not. :P And I'm not a tea person, fyi (Thank god for that)! :D

neeraj said...

@Bustling woods - Arey tere liye tea kya, coffee kya, poora restaurant hi khareed lega .. (veer zara song playing in background) Aisa des, I mean, aisa dost hai mera haan aisa dost hai mera :P

bustlingwoods said...

Ahem! No thank you. That's my cue to get the Activa out of sight, I guess! :)

mk said...

hmm...great narration..
enjoyed ur blog..having some fun time...

neeraj said...

@MK - Orissa boy, I belong to that part of the world too, not fully, but a bit :) Thanks for the comment, man!

Abhishek said...

You belong to Nigeria.

neeraj said...

Girls and boys or all those who are interested in me or lusting for me .. please go hide in your homes. Possesive Abhishek is out on the streets and he'll knife anyone who tries to talk to me :P

Nigeria? I am Prince Nero. I played the fiddle when Rome burnt, sweetie!

Sherlin said...

He he !! Complete fun post Nero !
With a puss in the boots ( shrek wala ) expression , the audience says - can we have some more of such hilarious write ups :) :)

On a different note - were u part of the mob that was creating a ruckus on the day Pam arrived in Mumbai :) ( question based on facts from cogni posts :) )

neeraj said...

Sherlin,

Arey yaar, do not remind me of Pamela, so struck am I by her susheelta that I am going to watch every single rerun of that program this whole week ;)

Puss in Boots expression is adorable, and I am hugely flattered. Thank you, maam!

Sherlin said...

i know i know , i can hear voices around saying tata sky ka recording option use karna padega :) :)

Aakriti said...

hi neeraj... nice to read ur comment.. i'm keeping busy with the offc here :( and so i hardly get time to sit on the net let alone blog... but m posting smtng new this time... let me know how mad and crazy it was :)
hoping to keep on hearing from you... :) cheers

neeraj said...

Heyy Akriti, nice to hear from you kiddo! And how can work keep you so busy? It shouldn't take over everything you know.. I didnt see a new post on your blog.