5 Places you should definitely not go on Christmas dressed up as Santa Claus

 All in fun, folks, so just enjoy the stereotypes.

1) Punjab – So, you are sitting in Punjab and decided that Christmas is THE festival you love, even more than the dirty, wet Holi and that noisy Diwali. And to express your opinion, you decide to dress up as Santa. You imagine yourself wearing that red suit, fake white beard, carrying a sack on your back, yelling “ho ho” to all and sundry.

Do not commit the folly of introducing yourself as Santa. Chances are that they will mistake you for the man of 'Santa Banta' fame and beat the holiest of holy crap out of you for being the man who invited so many jokes on the community.

2) Kerala – There you were sitting on a houseboat in the placid backwaters of Alleppey, sipping on coconut juice. A kingfisher swoops down gracefully into the water.  Within seconds he comes out flabbergasted and disheveled, because what he thought was a cute, benign little fish, turned out to be highly drunk on toddy and had made up its mind to do an Arnold Schwazanegger on the next Predator touching its fin. Next, you shift your gaze to the coconut trees on the bank yonder, but something is missing. A Christmas tree, perhaps? Oh how the kids would like to see Santa Claus with a bag full of toys. 

Excited, you go to a costumes shop and ask for a Santa suit. Of course they give you one. Just that its bottom ends above your knees, like a kilt, a dhoti, or as the locals say ‘mund’. No, don't be a Kerala Santa okay? It would be quite disconcerting to see you on a sled, skidding along with your reindeer, and everything that was essential to your reproductive capabilities, lying right out there for everyone to see. Front view. Ayyappa! 

3) Gujarat – The philanthropic person that you are, you decide that it wasn’t just your kids that you want to treat as Santa. You want to extend your generosity to your Gujju neighbours too. And you hand out a nicely wrapped gift to the man in the adjacent house. Contrary to your expectation, he lets out a bloodcurdling cry, a “tamari ma ki”, jumps eighteen feet high in the air and smacks you on your head. Cookies can go to hell, he wants a dandiya for a gift. "Maaro daandiya kidharchu," he screams. He already has 18 pairs lined up in his cupboard, but, please, a Gujju with 19 dandiyas is cooler than one with 18. “Samajh padtee?”

4) Delhi – Sitting on your sled in Delhi road traffic? Chances are you’ll pick up a fight before you reach the first red light, be appraised of how many politicians your opponent knows and had dinner with the previous night ("Saale Santa, tu jaanta nahi mai kaun hu!!!!"), and then get shot. And your reindeer, well, will get molested.

5) Goa – Goa is safe, Goa is fun and Goa has super Christmas spirit. But Goa is Goa. Where we sit on a beach, or a club in Baga, or lie stoned on the road claiming that we are Mahendra Singh Dhoni. You can parade around as Santa, as Paris Hilton or as Manmohan Singh. We just won’t care, bro! We are Sushegaad!

Merry Christmas, sweetness(es)!

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